Here is a devo for the holiday week that can help anyone with remembering their wits when family strife stirs up trouble. This one I wrote for my newest devotional, Messy Buns & Cartweels; A Devotional for Busy Parents
Silent Night
They drove on silently through the night. “I can’t believe he did that,” she thought. Didn’t he realize how badly he had wounded her? “He needs to know how bad this was to do this to me,” she thought angrily, as she filed around in her purse for the piece of gum he had casually requested.
“Thanks,” he said calmly, with little idea that she was about to quietly snap some very choice words in his direction. The children slept in the car while they drove on through the night after a visit with the extended family, and then just as she was about to let loose, she heard a rustling behind them. Swiveling around in her seat, she saw her oldest child was fully awake, doe-eyed, and taking in every note of conversation. For a moment, she held her tongue, evaluating the situation and realizing her innocent child would have been a sad and scared third party witness to the certain collision of words that was so close to occurrence, if she just let loose. It wouldn’t be the first time.
This time, she did the hard thing and held her tongue. Uttering a prayer to God inside for relief and help, she waited for the anger to pass. Her other children awoke now too, shuffled around, complaining of the long road trip. One of them requested she sing them a song. When she finished singing, which actually helped calm her own nerves, her husband simply said, “That was beautiful.” Just then, she realized she had been part of something profound. Something eternal. The avoidance of hurt. Her own, and probably his. Just by holding her tongue. As you probably know, the Bible talks a lot of the value of doing just that. In our passage this week, it says,
“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” Proverbs 21:23
Maybe the man in this particular story deserved to be told something and maybe he didn’t. Is it good to hold everything in? Certainly not, but about arguing, the Bible said should be done carefully and be well thought out, as we know from James 1:19 (My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…) This woman, and to be frank, I’m sure she was me at some place or time, wisely decided that she didn’t like how it all went down in the past and did the decidedly harder thing, to ride through the storm with her mouth pursed. In that moment, she realized that what could be said to her husband in anger could definitely wait for better timing and maybe for a better mood, definitely for a better place than the irrational fighting that often occurs at night when everyone is tired, behind the wheel, and with children in tow. That just sniffs of a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it?
Knowing when to be silent is very different from putting someone through the silent treatment. Usually when we give someone the silent treatment as a form of punishment for how they’ve treated us, we are cutting off chances of recovering together and also drink of the emotional poison we intend for them. Thus, it’s not only biblically wrong to be unforgiving, but (and maybe this is part of why God says not to hold out forgiveness), it’s also damaging to the person withholding. Since we know that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21), and we also know that If you wisely choose to hold your during a moment of anger, you save yourself from calamity, take time today to ask God for help in this area, so next time you experience a dark night of the soul in terms of your anger or wrath, you can take time to pray, pause, and ultimately forgive and live more sincerely and easily. In the moments of distress, allow faith in God’s love over you to guide you through the night versus the need to control or to manage others’ responses.
Take It Home: Instead of giving someone, a coworker, an unruly teen, a husband or a parent the silent treatment or a verbal barrage when they annoy you this week, choose to refrain from saying anything terrible or painful to them until you have prayed it through. If necessary, get some accountability from a trusted friend who can give you honest feedback and support for the journey. Let’s see if your lack of rushing to blame or hurt someone with words is rewarded with a sweet, silent and peaceful silent night. If you are anything like me in your busy mommy days, you know moments like these are to be cherished.
Parenting Moment: We typically assume kids will come to us when they have a problem, since we all want to believe we have an open-door policy for any and every conversation. This is not always easily perceived as a child (and did you always share everything with your parents?). To nurture or foster this attitude of openness and ease, tell your kids this week that you are here for them if they have a quarrel, jealous feelings, anger, or unforgiveness with someone. Help them to know you won’t judge but will listen well, and then do just that, even if you have to sit on your hands or hold your mouth closed before you react dramatically (better yet, don’t react dramatically at all!) If your kids are sassing you and causing you to be angry this week, most times they need a proper consequence. However, sometimes we miss an opportunity for our own growth or the health of our parent-child relationship by viewing the parent-child dynamic a little more objectively before we rush in with the 1-2-3, spank or whatever else you do. This week and moving forward, consider recognizing your part in your child’s anger behaviors. Do you inadvertently download all of your stress onto them? Do you rush them? Place your own dreams for good living ahead of God’s plans for them? If so, pray to God for help, admit your fault simply and quickly to your kids, talk to them about their role in things (always age-appropriately, without giving them grown up heavy info), and move forward together, more freely, less unencumbered, and with the beautiful joy God has for your both.
Pray Up
Dear Heavenly Father,
Today I thank You for Your undying love for me. I thank you for my dear children and family, and ask a special blessing over our relationship(s) this week. Help me not to burden them with my own burdens or stress, but to allow our brief downtime together to be a gentle release of our daily burdens. Help me to know just how and when to be softer, gentler, quieter, and more patient with my family’s foibles (and vice versa), and also, dear Lord, please help me to consider how and when to speak. I know you tell me that at the proper time, your Holy Spirit will always know just what to say, and I believe that and count on that moving forward.
Love, Me